I like the cut of your jib

12:49 am - Autumn

Today just before tea time I decided to relax a bit in Central Park. I chose to sit at Strawberry Fields on a bench in front of the memorial for John Lennon. As I sat there I watched the usual hippies playing music, smoking marijuana, tourists snapping pictures. During this scene the leaves, which have already taken a light shade, started falling one-by-one off the trees and blowing around onto these people. Fall seemed to be happening right in front of my eyes.

I started watching these two guys possibly a couple of years older than I, one of them holding a clipboard aimlessly going through the bundles of papers attached to it. These papers were beige colored and each piece had one word written largely on it with a sharpie marker. All different words. As I watched him flipping through the papers, I became enamored with this guy. I don't know what it was. He then stood up, walked over to the memorial, put down four pieces of paper, and walked away.

It read, "Talk to your heart."

03:48 pm

yesterday while i was in southern france i bought a plane ticket from barcelona to milan, took a train with a friend to barcelona, flew to milan, I am now in venice and Ill be meeting a friend in Croatia later tonight. HOLY HELL I LOVE THIS.

except for the minor fact that i havent slept in three days. I reserved my very first sleeper car tonight. tonight i will sleep like baby... but only until 4am when i get off the train.

12:21 am

Mistake.
It's a funny word. It can mean many things. Dictionary.com says that it means an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.
Never in there is the word regret mentioned.

8 months ago I made a mistake. A huge mistake. Something that I'll never forgive myself for. It was a big part of my life for a long time, and now this mistake has been taken away from me, this person. This person who was a big part of my life (which I hate admitting),and I doubt I'll ever see him again.

It depresses me that I don't think I'll get to say goodbye, but I have so much hope in moving on. I can only hope this person takes the memories that I cherished so much with him. This mistake turned into something that I cared about very deeply, something that I hardly regret.

Change is a'brewin.

I hope to take something from everything I can.

01:05 am

My Yoga Instructor:

Every person you encounter in your life has an effect on you; whether good or bad, great or small, they change you and it's up to you to grow from that experience. And so everyone around us, all different in their unique way, are our teachers.

Today, I celebrated a friends engagement. It was a beautiful feeling sitting in a restaurant drinking champaigne and giggling with three of my close friends talking about one of their futures. Things at that moment were so ideal, and I cherished that time realizing we are now women, adults, grown up. We are women leading great lives at this moment in New York City, and we have amazing futures ahead of us that we cannot even comprehend what lay ahead.

P.S. Here's to being strong and taking control of my own life. It felt great tonight.

04:36 pm - Boys and Girls, remember this valueable lesson:

12:57 pm

ask me, "what will you be doing between July 13th andJuly 20th?"

"Hangin out in Colorado," I say!

I have a dentist appointment...

12:21 am

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

I really like this song. It seems too obvious for me to explain why.

Laying on the beach with two of my close friends, listening to great music and just feeling the sun soak into us as I, for the first time in a week, completely relaxed. I sat up, as 'on the threshold of eternity' came on and thought about my life, not the present, but the past. All the places I've been, the things i've experienced, the amazing moments, and totally appreciated myself.

Walking to the subway in the rain without an umbrella, wearing a cute little dress and heels, I look over to two guys who both have umbrellas as they embrace the idea of us sharing one. I accept, we only look at eachother and laugh. For a brief moment we both experienced a movie-like scene that should happen more often than it does. A man being a gentleman and the two appreciating the moment they just shared.

Running into a friend from my neighborhood on the subway late at night after work, we decide to go for a drink. We get off at a stop inbetween our houses and go the most adorable cafe. We both order martinis and sit out on the patio under the stars and drink great drinks and talk about our lives.


These are some of my favorite moments of the summer so far. I'm totally embracing the Summer of 2007. And if this is what real life is, I'll take those moments anytime.

03:00 am

On the way to the subway tonight, I wanted it to be snowing so badly. It would have matched what I was feeling inside perfectly. But I would have wanted it to stay warm, and the snow would be the snow that falls the first 20 minutes of a snow storm. It would have been fresh, and made your heart feel a little more alive.

I need to do more resting. I'm tired of coming home late at night and feeling like this inside. I can't handle this emotionally.

The movie we saw tonight hit home a little too much.

P.S. New York City: I am the real deal. I really am.

P.S.S. Colorado: maybe I'll come visit you in July, depending on if I still have insurance or not.

11:10 pm

I'm having an existential crisis right now. And it's more than a graduating, real world scare. I'm questioning how we, I, live, everything. I could go more into it, but I won't.

Soo, I'm turning off my phone tonight.

My professor says that she still doesn't know many answers to these things, but what she does know is that you should always take care of your teeth.
So I flossed my teeth, I'll call that taking care of myself.

Good Night.

Have a day tomorrow, however you think that should be.

02:59 am

you didn't know it but i am a great person. No, you don't get it. I'm a treasure. and i will make every action mean something. This integrity goes a long way.

01:00 am

RIP Kurt Vonnegut

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/04/12/national/main2674719.shtml


today i shall read: the sirens of titan.

05:12 pm

This article in the New York Times is the exact reason I have problems with the pharmacutical drug companies. I think that Pharmacutical Drug advertising and marketing is totally unethical.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/21/us/21drug.html?_r=1&ref=todayspaper&oref=slogin

if you don't feel like reading the article, it just discusses how Dr. Allan Collins, the head of the National Kidney Foundation, has been accepting thousands of dollars from the most expensive pharmacutical drug company.

Pretty much, this has been well known for some time now, that in order for these drug companies to market their products, they give doctors money to prescribe medication that is not neccessarily the best for their patients. Some doctors do it, some don't. Then, think about some of the billions of drug commercials on television. Its the type of marketing where you create the need for the drug in the client before they even know there is an ailment. They make BILLIONS of dollars on this crap. And not to mention how much money they spend on advertising and marketing and then consider why there has been a sharp increase in perscription drugs over the last ten years.

And my friend Brian here at FIT, the one guy who keeps up with me in this major already has a job in this field. Not even considering what i just said, it's a bum out because that market isn't hard at all to advertise/market for, he could have done so much better.

Speaking of school. I just finished a trade show project and the class voted on who they thought was the best and my group won (me and two other girls). The prof. said that the majority of the class voted on our project as the best. It was a really great moment because it made me realize that I am actually really good at what I've been doing the last 4 years. I've also been writing a lot lately, its all just really great for my self worth.

Real Jobs I'd take when I graduate:
1. Working at a production company
2. Marketing at a Music Label
3. Non profit marketing/work
4. Travel writing
5. this assistant job at the MOMA

I have also been considering in a couple years going back to grad school to become an art historian. The possiblities are endless bitches...

12:47 am - Tudor City

Today I found an are in New York City where I would actually consider raising my children.

I was really early for work, so i decided to take a walk to Tudor City. It's this residential area built in the 1920's for middle class families. This area is raised above all the other streets, so from 42nd St you have to walk up stairs to get to it. It seems like it's almost completely isolated from Manhattan. Walking through it, listening to the most perfect intense music that kept building up, I felt like I was actually in London during the 1920's. I kept waiting for someone who obviously lived there to tell me that I had to leave because I don't live in their community. It seemed like this fake forced beautiful community, that is actually a community (inside Manhattan!). The nail salon, hair salon, bike shop, and deli all seemed like that store front was planned for that specific purpose. There was even a tiny post office in the center of the "town square." There was this balcony with a bench overlooking the east river, and I stood there and watched the traffic under me move by, the boats in the east river float along, and I was standing there alone, and it was like that place belonged to me. It was beautiful.

12:37 am

I give up. i'm giving up on so much tonight. and it feels great. I GIVE UP.

I am starting 2007 over again, fresh. who's with me?

05:20 am

After having my worst subway experience ever. I sat and waited, for over an hour, frustrated and feeling alone. I really felt alone, in so many ways, it was so saddening. I spoke with someone about how terrible the subways were, and then he walked me to my street to make sure I was safe. Then, as I entered my house, feeling completely defeated I see my mysterious 2nd floor neighbor whom I'd never met before walking up the stairs. It seemed that he too had been waiting for the subway. And so we finally met, and talked about how we should barbeque together this summer. And that is the end of my new york city night.

05:11 pm

Aren't those days strange when you have no real plans, no real "have-to"s. And so you spend the day doing things you "need" to do and where does that lead you? To the next day, when you repeat it and you have things you thought were important and then where does that lead you? You repeat and redo, it's a cycle and it never ends. You stop and think, why were these things important? Why is anything important? Our lives really do make no sense at all.

Why do we work?
money.
Why do we need money?
to survive.
What does money have to do with surviving?
To buy things.
What things?
food, clothes, house, wife.
Why should you have to buy those things?

In the beginning there was a choice of how this civilization would be. Think about it, someone actually made a choice that, when you need something you have to strive to earn it and then trade or purchase it. Everyone inputs in a different way. It makes sense. What they didn't know is how is would escalate into something that would control our lives.
Not that this is a completely terrible way of thinking. But imagine, how different it could have been if another idea was chosen...
more thoughts on this to come.

12:40 am - 5 days

Sometimes in this city which breeds Type A personalities, I too see myself becomming one. I really, sincerely, am discusted with this.

02:17 am - 6 days...

Lexi moved today. And I am very sad tonight. I think I just need a good cry.


p.s. i am glad train stations still exist.

02:35 am

tonight on the way home from our cookie decorating party I was struggling to stay awake. While looking through my ipod I came accross the itoors category and played the Glassgow: Sounds of the Music Capitol tour. Listening to it seriously reminded me of everything there. The cold air,the circular subway system, George Square, the strange and amazing accents. The I'm very friendly but don't fuck with me mentalities. I relived a lot of the places we went to and it really made me miss it. All the bars, our cheap restauarnt, ichibon, the walks home from the bars at 4 in the morning. I don't get it, I was only there for five days but I really feel a personal attachment to it. More than any other country I went to. I think most of it was the amazing people I stayed with. But I learn more and more everyday how much I love travel. I remember the day before I left, I received one of the sweetest emails I've ever gotten from one of my managers, Aubrey. We weren't that close then, but one of the things she told me is that 'once it's in your bloodstream you can never, ever stop traveling.'
The more I think about it, the more undoubtably I know it's true. But then again, you can travel around the world and nothing compares to the feeling of being around the people who you love and love you back. And that's the biggest decision I'll face in my life. I know it.

01:09 pm - from the New York Times...

"Faced with public demonstrations of discontent by its employees, Wal-Mart Stores has developed a wide-ranging new program intended to show that it appreciates its 1.3 million workers in the United States and to encourage them to air their grievances.

As part of the effort, Wal-Mart managers at 4,000 stores will meet with 10 rank-and-file workers every week and extend an additional 10 percent discount on a single item during the holidays to all its employees, beyond the normal 10 percent employee discount."

to read the whole article to to http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/04/business/04walmart.html

wow. that wal-mart... they sure do give... now i'm not sure if the ceo of the biggest retail chain will be able to get his rich kids christmas presents this year. 10%! on ONE item at Wal-mart! give me a break.

but it's a start.